- FREE Shipping!
- Exclusive Gourmet Jerky!
- USDA approved
- 100% Bacon
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility
Generally as I approach a new food item I’m openly forgiving of its appearance based on the old adage of not judging a book by its cover. Looking at this vacuum pressed mass of grease and what only vaguely represents bacon in a nearly cartoon like sense of thinking about it, the very foundation of my foodie philosophies faltered. This stuff looks repulsive, there’s really no kind or candy-coated way about it. The meaty bits have the look of rancid meat and the generous slabs of fat look almost marshmallow-like. To say it was an unapproachable off-shoot of bacon as you know it would be putting it kindly.
The smell is about what you’d expect, oily aromas and heavy spicing. This remains as possibly the least offensive attribute to this product short of the cheerful pig on the sticker attempting to assure you that nothing but porky bliss lie herein. Oh you jolly pig, your insidious smile will forever haunt me.
Taste. Taste can me a lot of things to a lot of people. Some people swear there is a right and a wrong as to what makes food good but I have no qualms with somebody that prefers a McDouble to a juicy steakhouse burger. Different strokes for different folks I say. Alas the taste of this product, I have unequivocally deduced, is wrong by all standards. Knowing full well some people love to eat bugs, gristle, brains, and all manner of foods one wouldn’t suspect could be edible, let alone enjoyed, I find it impossibly difficult to imagine there could be a soul alive whom would find satisfaction in the experience that is Bacon Freak’s Bacon Jerky. The meat has the texture of marrow mixed with space ice cream and the fat goes down like one could imagine snacking on packing peanuts would be like. Granted the texture alone could probably be saved in capable hands but the overwhelming blend of spices which I can only closely describe as being that of a gritty cut of smoked fish puts this experience to rest.
At this juncture you’d hope for the end but bacon jerky likes to hang out a while and make itself at home in your mouth for substantial amount of time. Almost worse than the initial undertaking is the trials and tribulations of aftertaste you will have to endure. With a taste that floats between regurgitating brisket and a bad case of salad dressing acid reflux, you will beg for nothing short of the sweet release of death. Attempting to wash the sin out of you mouth with a selection of beverages only added new layers of head-spinning nausea to what had already become the most regrettable thing I had eaten in living memory.
Don’t do it. My fellow man/woman I can not wish this on another soul. This gift will be laughed about but not loved. As a personal challenge, or fulfillment of bacon loyalty, this will only leave you as a remorseful husk of a person who’s perfect image of bacon will be besmirched. Having read this should you choose to pass this on to an enemy then you are truly diabolical, a foe not to be meddled with in the future to be certain. You have been warned.